Archive for October, 2005

Before Sunrise, Before Sunset

Monday, October 24th, 2005

 

 

   

 

 
01:50am 21/10/2005
   
mood: dirty
music: Stone Temple Pilots - Art School Girlfriend

Finally had a double dose of Richard
Linklater’s Before Sunrise and Before Sunset (Ethan Hawke and Julie
Delpy) and was alternately laughing hysterically and weeping in my
solitude, my last few days in my tiny UP Los Baños room and figuring
out how to being writing my thesis again.

I
could totally relate to Julie Delpy’s character, Celine, who finally
meets up with Jesse in Paris, 9 years after their highly serendipitous
romantic interlude in Vienna. Not just because Ethan Hawke (Jesse) was
calling her "commie" from time to time in jest, or making allusions to
her being a manic depressive activist (whoohoo, long live
environmentalists!), but also about being hung up on particular moments
in the past and having to make the conciliatory gesture of facing life
as it is and understanding how disjointed love and reality is. I liked
the slight nuances, the painful intricacies of foregoing the
what-could-have-beens and might-haves of our transitory connections
with people who make such a powerful impact on our lives and eventually
rediscovering the transformative nature of relationships. Seeing Celine
and Jesse older, more jaded, wrinkled faces and all, involved with
other people, moving on into different careers and at the same time,
dwelling on the resolution of something that seems so tentative and
might, in some way, "dissolve into molecules," was also quite a
vicarious experience. Celine was 23 in Before Sunrise (just as I am
now) and then she’s 32 in Before Sunset, which is the age I wish to be
done with my post-graduate studies, etc, etc.

In my case, even
if I could identify with Celine, I could also feel how Jesse looked at
the experience with a curious mixture of disappointment and an
overdrawn hope of reversing events amidst the mundane misery of the
lives they were presently living. Personally, i can’t really SAY that
my life has turned out similarly because I am also partly to blame for
making certain decisions that I just. have. to. live. with. In a way, i
can’t really consume myself with regret over the absurdity of things
turning out differently, or on the effects of timing and the
appropriateness of the "moment" and the, ahem, "connection."
Inopportune and ill-timed as it may seem, I also feel that there is a
deeper purpose behind all this and I no longer crave for the chance to
change the situation. I think, after weeks of neurotically attempting
to purge my mind (and, oh yes, my heart) of a certain man, I am now
content with the new status delineating the _purely_ platonic nature of
our friendship, even if my sisters keep on prodding that he still
wishes it was me he was with and not another woman who was my major
trigger for igniting insecurities during my pre-pubescent years. It is
no longer with bitterness that I look at the renewed situation, but
more of a conscious effort to pursue more important and mutually
beneficial facets without the emotional burden and precarious tension.
Also, this evening, as I sat on the ledge looking up at the
constellations while sipping my Red Horse and talking with said man in
above paragraph, I had an epiphany of sorts about how satisfying this
all turned out to be. My stomach was no longer churning upon the
mention of my cousin’s name, and I was actually imagining the smiles on
their faces without turning different shades of envy.

Anyway, I
was more worried about the delayed reply of my offical loverboy as I
sent out several variations of "Psst, Mahal, I love you" in the hopes
of eliciting a reciprocal SMS. The antique knot in my gut untangled
when he finally sent the customary sweet nothings and narratives of
what he would do to me if he were here instead of The Island. As usual,
it was like the distant wife, awaiting her husband’s return after a
long day of battling the elements. I could imagine myself running
towards him in a relieved haze of joy over surviving the tumult of the
escalating political repression, but that’s another story.

I
made myself a mean salad today with 5 different kinds of lettuce.
Prices had indeed risen, as the Romaine I used to get for P80/kilo was
now P100/kilo and my suki in the Agricoop market had to work day jobs
so she could only sell organically-grown green leafies (the thought of
them makes me feel almost orgasmic) on weekends. I also went through a
very painful bout of dysmenorrhea a week earlier than usual. Something
I could attribute to my stressful conditions lately, aside from my
oversecretion of estrogen hormone. Los Baños seems so desolate during
sembreak and especially moreso as I was alone in my current residence
contemplating how to document my last semester registered here. Sigh.

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meanderings

Monday, October 24th, 2005

OCTOBER 13, 2005

 
 

mood: bouncy
music: Tracy Chapman - Baby, can I hold you tonight?

today, i have finally decided to send off
The Letter, as well as the other bits and pieces of messages so i can
finally move on with my Waking Life.

watched
Richard Linklater’s film twice last night and picked up several tasty
morsels of mindcandy. i think i’ve been practicing lucid dreaming as
long as I can remember, without knowing that there was actually a term
for it. though I may not directly agree with every single conversation
in the animated discourses, it must be the best film I’ve seen this
sembreak. Very, very influential, and I can say with certainty that
it’s now in my roster of favorite films. Hehe.

went to the
infirmary and had my dose of Ventolin. I remember thinking of the brand
of the nebulizer, De Vilbiss, and playing it in my mind as a kid: devil
biss, de vil biss, de vilbisssshhhh, and all kinds of iterations as the
compressor churned out wafts of medicated smoke. sometimes, it feels
even more terrible than the actual constriction of bronchioles as I
always feel quite panicky and anxious when the mask is on. as usual, my
hands were trembling so bad after that, I kept on dropping the payment
as I had my turn in front of the cashier’s window (don’t you just hate
those glass contraptions with a tiny circle in front of you and a money
slot below where you can’t really hear what the lady’s saying since
she’s too short to reach the circular hole and you’re too tall to stoop
down and talk to her through the money slot?).

this afternoon,
I have to finish cleaning up, have to submit our DEVC180 documentation
(at last, I can delete everything Barako from Alunsina!), have to go to
the grocery and buy stuff for the Caliraya trip tomorrow. dumdeedum.
have to beat the October 24 deadline for submission of grades. sigh.

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acute asthmatic bronchitis

Monday, October 24th, 2005

OCTOBER 11, 2005

it is the night before a dreaded removal exam. my lungs aren’t
cooperating. the guy who invented Valium died at age 79. my ex-lover
was almost killed in a fatal "accident" last Sunday (four from his team
were killed). i haven’t swept my floor in weeks. might be at Caliraya
this weekend. i want a nicotine dose but i have to content myself with
Coke Light and coffee. i need a miracle.

MEDICAL CITY, Ortigas:

1. Ventolin nebules (salbutamol) 2.5 mg - 3x a day for 3 days
2. Zegen (Cefuroxime Axeil) 500mg - 2x a day for a week
3. Fluimucil (Acetylcysteine) 200mg - 1 sachet in 100ml H2O, taken liberally

sick and tired. literally.

i feel like after last week’s mishap, part of me really gave up fighting.

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PABLO NERUDA> XVII / Aun

Tuesday, October 11th, 2005

Nanginginig ang gabi ng Setyembre.

Taglay ko sa aking suot
ang kalungkutan ng tren na nagdala sa akin
patawid sa iba’t ibang lalawigan:
ako ang nalayaong taong nasusuka sa singaw
ng karbon ng tren.
Hindi pa ako umiiral.
Marami akong dapat makita sa buhay.
<b>Inilayo at iniugnay ako sa lahat ng aking panulaan.
Naipahayag ko na sana ang tagsibol
nang gabing iyon.</b>
Ako, malumbay na pulubi,
pinahubad nila sa akin ang damit
ng hubad na gabi.
Nanginginig ako habang binabasa ang aking awit
sa harap ng dalawang libong taingang hindi magkakatulad.
Natupok ang gabi
sa madilim na apoy na dumami sa siyudad,
naghahangad ng dagling kaniig.

Namatay ba ang lumbay nang gabing iyon?
O ako ba’y isinilang ng aking lumbay?

-Pablo Neruda, salin ni Fidel Rillo

—————————

isang buntunghininga para sa lahat ng mga nakakaranas ng tagsibol.

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Dalawang Tula Tungkol sa Isang Lumipas na Kahibangan

Sunday, October 2nd, 2005

I. (Walang Pamagat)

saan nagmumula: ugat ng pagkahumaling?
sa mga sulyap na pinupunla
sa kamalayang pinapulang lupa
sa mga hindi sinasadyang halinghing

o buntunghininga habang nakikidigma
sa mga umagang nagbabanta ng taning
sa mga dapithapong minimithi ang pagbaling
ng pagtatangi sa mga gabi’t parirala

na sumasalok ng hamog ng lunsod
sa mga dahon, marahang iniluwal
sa gitna ng dalawang isipang nangangatal
subalit matatag, nagtitikis sa halip na maanod

ng marubdob na mga pagniniig ng kamay
sa agos ng damdaming pinapaamo
sa gawi ng katwiran at pagsusumamo
mahumaling man, tiyak na sisilay

ang panibagong bunga ng pagsasamang hinahatol
sa talastasan ng mga inaaning paniniwala
sa katas ng mga minutong kinalinga
at patuloy na sumisibol, patuloy na sumisibol.

———————
alas singko singkwenta’y otso (July 21, 2005)
sa aking kwarto, habang nagkakalampagan sa kusina

II.

Sa Pagwawakas ng Pagkahumaling

sa pagwawakas ng pagkahumaling
nabunot ang koronang tinik
na nakapulupot sa aking puso,
saglit na inilapag
ang pasaning krus ng aking isipan,
at nakita ko
(sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon)
ang mga pagbabanta ng luha
na nagbabakasakaling pumatak.
isang yakap, dalawa, tatlo,
at hindi ko na mabilang,
wari’y paanyayang magsimula muli
sa pagkakaibigan
(na may tuldok
sa magkabilang dulo)
walang magbabago, sambit mo,
habang pinapako ang
aking kalooban
sa mga nalalabing oras
bago sumikat ang araw.

————–
para sa aking paboritong pirata.
ito na yata ang huling

tula

na ihahabi ko para sa iyo. sa ngalan ng paghihilom, paalam muna.

yes, this was cross-posted over http://www.livejournal.com/users/rebonglila

ok,i’ll have to disappear muna.

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