cathartic exhibitionism

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/libertadore/Photo29_27small.jpg

i wish i could smile like ^^ this but my mood most resembles the broken shards of terracotta jars (obscured by the background, of course).

i would be lying if i said i’m ecstatic about the results of the elections. but at the same time, i would rather exhale a sharp sigh of resignation because perhaps, it is better to accept things as they are.

maybe electoral victories have become elusive to SAKBAYAN because either militancy is no longer fashionable in UPLB, or maybe the students are indeed happier with idealistic rhetoric than impassioned slogans, or with an oversimplified GPOA than a complex, highly cerebral one. or MAYBE, the glossy, somewhat elitist, but downright pacifist image of BUKLOD is also a reflection of what this demographic wants, or wants to be.

at the same time, I still believe that God really has a specific purpose for everything and He grants authority to leaders, be they deserving or not, according to some cosmic blueprint of His. I was crying my eyes out this evening as I explained my silly quandary to the Pastor’s magnanimous wife. i think that helped a lot since I’ve never been able to thoroughly discuss my opinions with anyone from VCF the past few weeks. I must admit, I am still a firm believer in God’s final authority over everything but occasionally, I feel like my gut is in perpetual peristalsis. I told her that i felt sickened the very moment I placed the BUKLOD and SAKBAYAN GPOAs side-by-side. One resembled a high school political party’s platform, the other was your token propaganda-fueled machinery. I told her that I couldn’t stomach being called a "political prostitute" (i.e. Juan Ponce Enrile, Loren Legarda, et.al.) by turning against the party I was both once Execom and twice, standard-bearer of. I told her that everytime someone from either party would text me for campaign tips, my heart would palpitate — i felt like patronage politics truly manifested itself in so many ways in the University, I was involuntarily relegated to observer status. This was eating me from within and I knew that if this doesn’t stop, I might again descend into self-imposed saturnine moments.I cried, and was comforted with prayers that I sorely needed in a time of doubt and frustration, the prime culprits of my implosion.

of course, it’s not about me, it’s not about whoever is in power now — it’s all about the next generation. the most viable option for me now is to do whatever I can to pass on whatever tacit knowledge I’ve acquired through my years in the student government rather than drown in the cesspools of bitter recrimination. I am making a conscious choice to prefer mentoring over mudslinging, be more edifying than accusatory, to be more analytical than speculatory and at the end of the day, more faithful to my love for Jesus Christ than anything else.

but tonight, even just for tonight, before I let go and move on, i will allow myself to feel like this:
"http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v499/libertadore/Photo20_5small.jpg